This may quite possibly turn in to a very long post. I apologize in advance.
I’ve been absent.
Not just from this site, but from life in general. I’ve been holding on to some ridiculous notion that I’ve been busy with this or that, but the pure truth of the matter is that I just switched off.
It’s not entirely clear to me why or when exactly this happened, but I’m pretty darn sure that my time in the field didn’t help. I also think it wasn’t the cause though I may have laid blame there previously. Looking back further, it’s really difficult to identify the last time I felt really alive.
This is a problem.
Switching off has provided me with the capability to handle a number of small catastrophes and major life-events with ease. It has meant that I can easily rely on the illusion of simple pragmatism to explain how easily I deal with strife (without completely losing my nut).
I’ve deceived myself and in the process I’ve likely deceived others. If I take an honest look at the issue it becomes clear that I’ve completely lost any sense of caring. Caring for myself, caring for others, the environment and even the world at large.
This conflicts with my morals and my dreams.
Since returning to Canada, I’ve become increasingly disconnected from the beliefs, behaviours and paths of the people around me. Something is wrong with the way we live our lives (both here in ‘the west’ & elsewhere) and I can’t quantify it, and it often feels as if nobody else really gets that. Yet, I continue to live the life here as if nothing has changed.
This cognitive dissonance is no longer just uncomfortable, it’s systemic and paralytic in my own life. I have let it stop me from caring, and I have always understood that we as people are capable of great things, but rarely do I see more than doom, destruction and death being broadcast on a daily basis.
Going it alone.
I’ve done a lot of things solo in my life, I’ve traveled, bought a house, photographed, run, biked, hiked, consoled a dying friend, and stood up for an underdog.
I understand the need to be capable of working on my own, entertaining myself, and being self sufficient. In fact I have vehemently pursued individual goals in an attempt to prove (to myself?? others??) that I am self sufficient. I’ve turned away or ignored opportunities for assistance and in the process have learned what an incredible strain it is to be an individual in this world.
Something my cousin has suggested in a yelling, spitting rage that I do not posses. This in the wake of the death of my Uncle Dale, a man I’ve learned an incredible amount from over the past thirty years and who has been the only father I’ve ever really known.
The problem really hasn’t been not caring enough, but rather caring too much and about too many things. I’m not just whelmed, I’m überwhelmed. Figuring out what matters again is a top priority and in order to do that I need to clean house a bit.
Over the next several weeks, I’ll be taking stock and having a serious look at what really matters to me and what I want to do about it. There will be a literal and a figurative clearing of house in the attempt to simplify what has become an unreasonably complicated life.
This is a smattering of the thoughts running through my head at the moment. In the past CAVOK has been about clearing my mind and keeping my word. It has been inexplicably difficult to begin to document the happenings of the last few years and so I shall endeavor to document from this point forward with the caveat that I may at some time visit the past..
For those of you who still check in here once in a while, and who’ve made it this far through the post, thank you for taking the time to care..